Career criminal in need of advice

Bada bing bada boom

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I'm a criminal in need of some advice.

Not only am I an accountant which, as every bloke in the pub knows, is the same thing as being a career thief, but I'm also self employed. As with all other self-employed people, I wake up each morning wondering exactly how I can defraud the tax system today while all the muppets in proper jobs (such as the civil service) carry free-riders like me with their relentless hard work, efficiency and pioneering spirit.

A few years ago I considered becoming a drug dealer or joining the mafia, but instead decided to set up a limited company and join the flat rate VAT scheme. But it seems the rozzers have rumbled me and have closed down my little scam.

So should I now scale back my criminal enterprise and work less hard? My annual proceeds from crime are just above the VAT threshold, so I reckon I if I cut back a bit, "take care of" my VAT number (bada bing bada boom) and raise my extortion fees a bit I could cut back my dodgy dealings by 20% and only have to launder 10% less dirty money.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Replies (13)

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By Justin Bryant
09th Mar 2017 11:41

You need to move to a profession more suited to your particular needs, wants & skills; a politician perhaps?

Thanks (4)
David Winch
By David Winch
09th Mar 2017 11:58

Key points:-
1. If arrested seek the advice of a solicitor before saying anything.
2. In view of financial aspects, get solicitor to contact a forensic accountant to assist (we do prison visits).
David

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By User deleted
09th Mar 2017 12:04

So, the medication isn't working?

Don't handle anything sharp, for the time being.

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By the_hoff
09th Mar 2017 12:19

Do it. Whack the VAT number.

You can then kick back and put your feet up. It will be just like doing some easy time behind bars - or working for HMRC.

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By jimmyxyz
09th Mar 2017 14:27

Move to the US and you can declare it all on your tax return.

Illegal activities. Income from illegal activities, such as money from dealing illegal drugs, must be included in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity.

Bribes. If you receive a bribe, include it in your income.

Stolen property. If you steal property, you must report its fair market value in your income in the year you steal it unless in the same year, you return it to its rightful owner.

Kickbacks. You must include kickbacks, side commissions, push money, or similar payments you receive in your income on Form 1040, line 21, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040), if from your self-employment activity.

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By Gone Sailing
09th Mar 2017 19:02

Yep. Reduce the time consuming work, dump the VAT and take the opportunity for some long overdue price increases.
Inflation ain't what it used to be.

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By mabzden
10th Mar 2017 09:24

I read in the paper today that employees in the private sector take 50% more time off sick than the self employed, while employees in the public sector take 107% more sick leave.

We obviously need tax revenue, but we also need people who are going to work hard and keep the economy moving. The government needs to remember that.

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By lesley.barnes
10th Mar 2017 10:30

Listening to a discussion on channel 4 news last night there were lots of references to the rich accountants and lawyers who would need to pay more national insurance. Two things struck me if the accountants earned so much they would have structured their businesses through limited companies. Secondly most accountants will have lots of clients earning more than we do. Why when the politicians are on the ropes do they trot out the usual rubbish government good accountants bad.

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Replying to lesley.barnes:
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By mabzden
10th Mar 2017 10:45

Another blindingly obvious point is the "rich" accountants and lawyers probably vote Tory. If you want to demonise someone, make sure it's not your core supporters!

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Replying to lesley.barnes:
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By WhichTyler
10th Mar 2017 16:38

Quote:

Listening to a discussion on channel 4 news last night there were lots of references to the rich accountants and lawyers who would need to pay more national insurance.

there has been surprisingly (ahem) little coverage on the fact that (well paid) journalists are among those affected, which may account for the monstering the chancellor hsa received in the press...

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paddle steamer
By DJKL
10th Mar 2017 11:11

@ lesley.barnes

"Why when the politicians are on the ropes do they trot out the usual rubbish government good accountants bad."

Because society needs scapegoats to distract attention.

Orwell encapsulates it in 1984, "Goldstein" being used to channel society anger and for the state to control said anger.

We have had a list of undesirables to get the public in a froth, bankers, landlords, tax avoiding multinationals, tax avoiding celebrities and this resurgence of accountants and fellow professionals and most insidiously, immigrants.

Each waxes and wanes on the blame chart, it is the common culture of the 21st century, Trump in the USA is a perfect example and we have similar trends within our politics and European politics,

What these approaches do is deflect blame from governments and those operating the apparatus of the state, they are their get out of jail card, everything would be wonderful if X,Y,Z acted differently, it is their fault we are in this mess, etc, etc.

Reality is we have a collective regression to childhood here, a collective inability to accept our own shortcomings, "the big boy done it" , if there is always someone else to blame we can avoid looking more closely at ourselves.

In addition by leaping up and down vilifying others we can avoid some of the Elephants, some of the really nasty questions we do not want to discuss, like:

1. Can society afford to keep applying extensive life saving treatment to the very old and infirm? Unpalatable, difficult to address without emotion, but possibly an eventual necessary step for Western society.

2.Will we eventually need to instigate world policies re population growth. Climate change may be making slow progress re measurement/reductions post COP21 Paris, is a similar movement needed re the world population, how to we deal with world population/ migration issues with differential birth rates throughout the world?

There is nothing new re distracting the populace, the Romans had grain and the circus.

History teaches that the right politician, with the right rhetoric, in the right place can instill collective delusion in his adherents, most exponents promise a future and have figures of blame, simple tactic and the public are stupid enough that it works.

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Replying to DJKL:
Worm
By TheLambtonWorm
10th Mar 2017 11:25

All very true sadly, and probably all necessary to maintain the status quo (in the short term anyway).

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By Democratus
10th Mar 2017 15:08

You wanna know how to get HMRC? They pull an audit, you pull a gun. They send one of yours to the tribunal, you send one of theirs to the morgue. "That's" the *Chicago* way! And that's how you get HMRC. Now do you want to do that? Are you ready to do that? I'm offering you a deal. Do you want this deal?

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