Very low this week. The background noise of my life has become incredibly loud all of a sudden and the regulator who can not be named but who destroyed me for calling a complaint "froth" (which means "matter without substance" not "scum" as many people seem to think) whilst as manic as a bag of angry cats is really messing me about at the moment.
I was invited mid last year by this wonderful body to reapply to them, regain my licence and so increase my earnings 3-6 fold. Since then they have t a k e n t h e s l o w e s t r o u t e possible to doing this and keep trying to find every and any reason not to.
For 5 years now, this body has undertaken an investigation in any aspect of my life it feels like and criticise any action I have taken at any time because it can. It is especially hung up on my illness - and yet it seems incapable of understanding that much of the extremes of my illness have been CAUSED BY THEM!
The stress and pressure they put on me because I wrote a poorly drafted letter was so extreme in 2008 that I cracked completely.
What is more, in taking away my right to work they also presented a ripe opportunity to my former business partners to take from me the business I had built up without making any payment to me. ("Here sign this, and we'll look after you...")
This in turn left me several hundred thousand pounds in debt - the business had borrowing that I had guaranteed, but I now had no income to support them.
NOW it appears that the fine body who applied the single largest individual penalty to me (at the time) for writing my letter, now want to punish me for being in debt, for my company going bust and for my inability to deal with any of this whilst I was clinically nuts (as certified by three different mental health professionals and one GP). Is it me, or can anyone else see the circular logic to this...
Anyway, the point is, every so often, the regulator gives me some hope that there may be an end to the nightmare of the last 5 years... and then, they snatch it away completely and I sink back into despair. Why won't they just be straight forward with me and tell me that there is no chance that they will ever let me get my life back, they will never let me rejoin and they don't want a loon to be a member of their club.
As ever, support / suggestions / direction greatly appreciated.