The great Comic Relief joke off | AccountingWEB

The great Comic Relief joke off

You may remember some time ago we held the great Comic Relief joke off between accountants and entrepreneurs to see who was funnier.

Unfortunately, we were thrashed by our colleagues on and UK Business Forums, although the winning joke was about an accountant!

I quite liked this one: "There are three types of accountant, those who can count and those who can't"...!


Not all accountants are boring......

amlcc | | Permalink

Before I tell this joke, I should point out I am a qualified accountant! This was told to me by my father in law. Thought it was quite funny really......


A woman went to her doctors as she wasn't feeling well. The doctor examined her and then said, “I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live.” The patient asked, “Oh doctor, what should I do?” The doctor replied, “Marry an accountant.” “Will that make me live longer?” asked the patient. “No,” said the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”

Another old chestnut...

Anonymous | | Permalink

My personal favourite is the classic:

Q : What do accountants use as a contraceptive?


A : Their personality...


What kind of stakeholder are you?

sarahf | | Permalink

This isn't a joke, more an observation about my Father who is also an accountant.

Each member of a family is a stakeholder in that family.  In our family my Father is a preference shareholder...

...he has a financial investement and receives income, but has no voting rights.

Pottedbeef's picture

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

Pottedbeef | | Permalink

He worked it out with a pencil

boom boom

bookmarklee's picture

Come on guys let's avoid reinforcing the sterotype

bookmarklee | | Permalink

There are now over 400 items on the Accountant Jokes and fun blog - and I've tried to avoid includiong those that reinforce the erroneous idea that most accountants are boring.

Monty Python (and Jerry Steinfeld) have a lot to answer for in this regard!

I've picked 3 from the blog:

 Something to worry about A newly qualified chartered accountant applies for a job advertised in the Times.

He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.

"I need a qualified accountant," says the man, "but mainly I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant.

"I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money

"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"

"You can start on fifty thousand," says the owner.

"Fifty thousand pounds?" exclaims the accountant, "How can a business like this afford
to pay so much?"

"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

The accountant and the bikers

An accountant is sitting in a bar sipping a beer. He is a mild mannered fellow and minding his own business. A bunch of bikers roar up to the bar and then go into the bar and immediately begin harassing him. He tries to ignore them as they continue to insult him and make fun of his glasses and the fact that he is a mild mannered guy.

The accountant continues to ignore the bikers who then begin poking at him and getting physical. One of the bikers pours beer on his head. He does nothing. Another pokes him with a pool stick. He does nothing. They take off his jacket and wave it in front of him like a bull. He still does nothing.

The accountant then pays for his drinks and leaves the bar.

One of the bikers turns to the bartender and says, "Not much of a man, was he?" sneering at the cowardice of the accountant who did not defend himself against a bunch of guys who outnumbered him and were bigger than him.

And the bartender turns to the biker and says, "He's not much of a driver, either. He just rode over all of your bikes."


Accountants practice safe XXX

XXX = TAX,  of course. What did you think!?

AIDS = Accountants In Deep Shit

It's what accountants get if they don't practice safe tax.



Anonymous | | Permalink

the last missive was deeply tasteless and pretty unfunny however you look at it

We might not be boring......

Anonymous | | Permalink

..........but you've done nothing to convince that we're funny

A Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning

lobstermonster | | Permalink



I don’t know the origins of this joke, or who first told it, but a friend sent it to me via email and I couldn’t resist sharing it.

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being fifty-four years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my eighteen-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be upset; I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being fifty-four years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also fifty-four years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is eighteen years old.

As a successful accountant who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: eighteen goes into fifty-four a lot more times than fifty-four goes into eighteen. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

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