Accounting jokes

Time to bring back a topic by an old friend, if for no other reason that to amuse people and show how horrid it was when everyone had the same name...

Look out for some familiar faces!

http://www.accountingweb.co.uk/item/166102

 

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A man joins a big corporate empire at a trainee.

sarah douglas | | Permalink

 
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the works canteen and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

 

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

 

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"

"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

 

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

-- Kind Regards Sarah@ Douglas Accountancy & Bookkeeping Services, Glasgow

 

For the women ( and the men ) Only Joking

sarah douglas | | Permalink

Hi 

 Here one for the girls today, thought I would get the first battle of sexes Joke in.   

What is gross stupidity? 
144 men in one room.  
 

-- Kind Regards Sarah@ Douglas Accountancy & Bookkeeping Services, Glasgow

Democratus's picture

Come on Sara - where's that object button when you need it!!!

Democratus | | Permalink

Speaking as a member of the male side of this debate we are much better at being stupid than you think - it wouldn't take 144 of us to be gross. Just one if you pick the right one....

 

Constantly Confused's picture

Quack

Constantly Confused | | Permalink

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

"OMG!  Are you ok?!?  I'll call you an ambulance!"

Top_Cat's picture

-

Top_Cat | | Permalink

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

"OMG! Are you ok?!? I'll call you an ambulance!"

 

Posted by Constantly Confused on Fri, 29/07/2011 - 16:44

 

 

Or possibly - "You've overdone the eye shadow - and before you go to the hospital dont forget to get my supper ready?".

stepurhan's picture

Slightly rude one

stepurhan | | Permalink

A businessman goes to a meeting with an HMRC inspector. He takes his accountant along.

They sit down and the businessman says to the inspector "Before we get started, I have an amazing ability that I'd like to show you. You see that bin on your side of the desk. I can stand this side of the desk and pee into that bin without spilling a drop in-between. In fact, I'm so confident in my ability, I'll bet you £50 that I can do it."

The inspector is a bit taken aback by this but, after careful consideration, sees an easy £50 to be made and agrees to the bet.

The businessman unzips his trousers and proceeds to fire away. Unsurprisingly, spray goes all over the desk with only a few drops actually reaching the bin. The inspector has a big smile on hie face as the businessman hands over the £50, but then he notices the accountant has a particularly unhappy expression.

"What's the matter?" the inspector politely enquires

"Before we came to this meeting, my client also made a bet with me this morning." replies the accountant. "He bet me £100 he could pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

Old Greying Accountant's picture

Not an accounting joke but inspired by an accountant ...

Old Greying Acc... | | Permalink

... see here:

http://www.accountingweb.co.uk/group/hmrc-agent-strategy/qualified-experience

A Godfearing man (could be an accountant I suppose) is shipwrecked and left floating on a small piece of wreckage with no food or water.

After a day or so a yacht sails by with a couple on board, they heave to but the man says to go on, God will save me.

After another day or two, and the thirst and hunger are starting to take their toll when a liner appears and it too attempts to rescue the man but again he says leave me, God will save me.

After a week the man is so weak with hunger and thirst he is barely conscious, his skin baked and blistered and the sharks are circling close when a helicopter appears. As the winch man lowers himself down the man summons his last remaining strength and waves him away croaking leave me, God will save me.

Soon after the inevitable occurs and the man is escorted through the pearly gates. God, who is very busy glances up from His desk and His eyes open wide in surprise.

You, He says, what are you doing here? What happened, I sent 2 boats and a helicopter for you!

tracybbs's picture

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

tracybbs | | Permalink

Nothing, you've told her twice already.

Sorry i know it's wrong but it's also very funny!

ShirleyM's picture

I like this one :)

ShirleyM | | Permalink

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?” The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6 2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?” The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it two times.”  

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