Comic relief: Are accountants funny?

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And there lies your answer

My problem is...

... I'm trying not to look in my old topic to steal the jokes :)

I know you would like new jokes, but my thread ran for such a long time I think we got most of them (and in fact moved onto general jokes).

The only new ones I expect will be banker related (perhaps along the lines of alternative pronounciations of the word?)

This is a long one but stick with it

An English accountant, a Scottish accountant and an Irish accountant spend an evening drinking in St Peter's Square in Rome. On leaving the pub they see a dead body lying in the Square, which upon examination looks like the Pope with his faithful dog nearby.

They knock the doors of the Vatican and break the news to the Cardinals. The Cardinals thank them for the information but request that they keep the news secret so they can burn some incense and elect a new Pope. The accountants agree.

On the plane back home they hatch a plan to place bets at their local bookmakers the next day that the Pope will be announced dead any time within 24 hours.

They all met up a few weeks later and exchange their stories. The Englishman explained that he got odds of 33-1 and was now a millionaire. The Scotsman said his bookie was suspicious but gave him 20-1 and he also won over £1M. The Irishman was quiet and confessed that he'd lost his bet. The other two asked how he'd managed to lose on a sure fire bet and he replied .....

"I did a double with the Archbishop of Canterbury".

The Magic Slide

A management accountant, a certified accountant and an auditor are out for a walk in the jungle when they come across a secret magic slide with a pool at the bottom. On reading the sign at the top of the slide they discover that if they shout out the name of their favourite drink while sliding down the pool will transform into the drink before they get there.

The CIMA man goes first, and as befits an accountant in industry yells out “lager”. By the time he gets there the pool has transformed into the finest lager ever brewed. Determined to make the most of it, he refuses to leave until he is barely able to speak.

The ACCA accountant decides it’s their turn and regarding themselves as a bit better than the CIMA man yells “champagne”. Like the lager, this is the finest champagne ever and they also don’t leave until they can barely speak.

Finally, it’s the auditor’s turn. By this time they are so thrilled that they are doing something more exciting than ticking and bashing that they forgot all about the magical properties, and reverting to childhood, jump on the slide yelling ”weeeeeeee”….

I’ll get me coat.

Joke

Did you hear about the constipated management accountant?

He couldn't budget - budge it...geddit oh I give up

Three men walk into a bathroom...

Each does their business and goes to the wash baisin.

The first man washes his hands and tears off one strip of papertowel and very carefully and methodically dries his hands. "What was all that about?" asks one of the others. "Ahhh", he replies, "I work in an accounts department and we're trained to be very economical with resources"

The second man washes his hands and then takes several pieces of paper towel and dries his hands quickly using all the sheets. "What was that about?", asks one man. "Ahhhh I work in an audit department and we're trained to get the job done no matter the cost".

The third man looks at the other two and then walks towards the door without touching tap or towel.

"Wait a minute", one of them cries, "where are you going?"

The third man turns around and calmly states "I work in a tax department; I stopped pissing on my own hands when I was 6"

Joke

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

I thought the constipated accountant........

.........managed to work it out with a pencil?

Did you hear that the Kennel Club has gone bust?

They've had to call the retrievers in!

Entrepreneurs vs accountants!

There are some really funny ones so far. Some have even caused me to squirt fizzy drink out of my nose, but I refuse to rest until my desk is covered in the stuff! Keep them coming!

It seems we have some competition...our colleagues on UK Business forums have started a competing thread. They're asking 'who's funnier: entrepreneurs or accountants'?

Check it out:

http://www.ukbusinessforums.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=101715

We are definitely winning so far. Let's show those up starts what we're made of!!!

Up in the air ......

Two balloonists were lost over the Sahara Desert in the blazing sun. Seeing a small figure in the distance, they descended to find a man on a camel. "I say old chap" said one, "where are we ?"

"You're floating over the Sahara Desert in a hot-air balloon" said the camel-rider.

As they ascended, the balloonist said to his friend "Must have been a Chartered Accountant"

"Oh", said his friend, "how d'yon make that out ?"

"Easy", said the first, "he told us all the truth he could, no lies, but we still havent a clue where we are and we're still up in the air....... "

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A partner in a large firm was giving advice to a junior on the perfect woman. “First” he said “It is important to find a woman who can cook, clean and has a secure and well paid job. Second it is important to find a woman who can make you laugh. A woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you is also important and don’t forget that it is important to find a woman who makes you feel wonderful in bed and who likes to be with you.”
Impressed the junior asked if the partner had succeeded in fulfilling this seemingly impossible task.
“Yes” came the reply “but it is very important that these four women don't know each other and never ever meet”.

Audit Visit

An auditor is on his way to visit a client when his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He cannot get a signal on his mobile phone and decides to walk to the nearest house for some help. Finally after trudging over the countryside for almost an hour he reaches a farmhouse and knocks on the door. He explains his predicament to the farmer who says he will gladly tow him to a garage with his tractor but as the cows are just due in for milking he can only do this the next morning and since it is getting late the auditor can stay with him. But where will I be sleeping, asks the auditor. In our spare bedroom says the farmer. Wait a minute, says the auditor, don't you mean that you have no spare room and I am going to have to share a bed with your nubile 18 year old, beautiful, blonde daughter? Certainly not, says the farmer, how could you think I would even suggest something so disgusting. Oh My Gawd says the auditor, I'm in the wrong joke!

One for Jim

Not sure who you work for but heres a software one

How many Microsoft Software Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just make Darkness™ the new industry standard.

Taxing dilemma

I had just finished a morning working on a tax audit of a City client and went out to the park to have my packed lunch. I had just found a suitable bench in the sun and opened my sandwiches when I heard a commotion and loud cries for help. Looking up over the Serpentine, I saw a banker in the murky water, clearly going down for the third & last time, when I heard yet more cries of distress and out of the corner of my eye , I saw a lawyer in exactly the same predicament about 200 yards to the other side of me,

What a terrible decision to have to make.

Should I have my beef sandwich first, or the cheese?

Just one more, I promise, then I'll stop....

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigationsystem, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That is correct, take one of the sheep," said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not," answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are an accountant" said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.

Now give me back my dog".

Beware of Tax Genies

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocket-book. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... 'You know how I work. You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust a Tax Office genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

'OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF*** He's turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Tax Investigation

The Inland Revenue decides to investigate Grandpa, and summon him to the Tax office.

The Tax Inspector was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.

The Tax Inspector said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure that I find that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The Tax Inspector thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.'

The Tax Inspector thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The Tax Inspector's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the Tax Inspector can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned Tax Inspector now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The Tax Inspector, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the Tax Inspector’s desk.

The Tax Inspector leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the Tax Inspector asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an investigation, he bet me twenty five thousand pounds that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

MORAL?

Don't Mess with Old People!!

How about...?

A doctor, civil engineer and tax man were having a few beers together and started to argue about whose was the oldest profession. The doctor said that as the Bible states that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam, this required surgery and thus his was the oldest profession.

The civil engineer however disagreed and said that before Adam and Eve came on the scene, God had created the world from nothing but chaos and that this was the first example of civil engineering.

The taxman merely leaned back, took a sup from his pint and said "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?".

Or alternatively...?

An old lady walks into a bank and explains that she wants to borrow £100 for one week. When asked what collateral she can put up, she offers to leave the bank her vintage Rolls Royce. The bank manager checks it out, suspecting a con, but can't see anything wrong so agrees after explaining that due to the rather strange nature of the loan, he's going to have to charge her interest of £10. He drives the car down into the bank's car park, locks it up and leaves it there - still puzzled at this rather odd transaction.

One week later, the lady returns and pays the £110 due. Before the bank manager hands back the keys, he tells the old lady that he did some research on her over the week and found out that she is a multi-millionaire former accountant. He asks why she needed to borrow £100.

"I didn't" explains the lady. "But where in Central London can you park a car for just £10 for a week?"

Why did the auditor cross the road?

Why did the auditor cross the road?

He looked in the file and thats what they did last year!

What does an accountant's wife do if she cannot get to sleep?

What does an accountant's wife do if she cannot get to sleep?

She asks her husband "Tell me about your work".

A chief executive tells his recruiting consultant that he is looking for a new accountant.

A chief executive tells his recruiting consultant that he is looking for a new accountant. The recruiting consultant says, “You recently hired an accountant”

The chief executive replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

A lawyer writes a 5,000 word long report and describes it as a brief!

A lawyer writes a 5,000 word long report and describes it as a brief!

When does someone decide to become an accountant?

When does someone decide to become an accountant?

When he realises he has not got the charm to succeed as an undertaker!

Graeme is (obviously) a Banker

not an accountant

but I can't spell banker - being a German mouse

yup, most of them are old, but the couple from Mark were quite good

Are accountants funny?

No, clearly not.

And if they try to be it makes other people nervous.

Imagine two CEOs chatting. One says to the other "I've got this accountant - he's a great laugh".

It's beyond belief, isn't it?

This is from my personal archives

Why did the Accountant fall off his bed?.........
........

He didn't have a balance sheet

1 hour 10 mins to go!

You're going great guns, accountants! We're trampling all over those entrepreneurs in the Comic Relief Joke Battle!

We've now got to pass on all the jokes to an impartial judge who will decide which side wins.

You have 1 hour 10 minutes to do your best (or your worst!) before we close it off and submit your gags at 5pm.

We're nearly there, so keep em coming!

Funniest thin i have heard in ages....

Ronan Keating covering Cyndi Lauper....... hilarious