The government has been criticised (now, there’s a phrase you don’t often see on this website) for messing about with supposedly environmentally friendly 'stealth' taxes, to the extent that the hot air produced on the subject by Ryanair probably exceeds their total carbon emissions for a year.

Now, how about instead of inventing new environmental taxes, we adapt the existing system? Let’s not muck about: if we are in the business of trying to save the planet (more correctly, keep the planet in a fit state for our occupation rather than leave it to the cockroaches) then that has to be an overriding objective and it should be at the heart of everything that we do. That includes paying tax.

Now for tax to be effective it is not much help taxing companies and big business. You need to take it from individuals, because on the whole they are more likely just to have to pay it. Mind you, you might see a dash to incorporate that would put all previous efforts in the shade.

At the core of this would be an environmental audit to find the size of your carbon footprint. Every year (or perhaps more often) you would be required to complete a carbon return (online of course – you would not want to increase your use of paper). That should include everything you do, so points would be scored for owning a second home (treble points if it’s abroad) putting out too much domestic rubbish, for using too much energy heating your house, for using the car too much, for driving a Chelsea tractor, for flying too often and too far, for not installing double glazing, for failing to write on both sides of the paper, for not registering for the postal preference service and so encouraging the production of junk mail, for using timber from non-renewable sources, for leaving your television and stereo on standby, for using an electric screwdriver or food mixer, for failing to visit your local recycling centre, for buying any product that has been freighted in by air...

Of course a government might feel that the list should be extended to discourage anti-social behaviours like smoking, drinking, shouting, singing in public, wearing a hoodie, using TV catchphrases...but that’s not relevant yet.

Your return would give you a score on a scale of (say) 0 to 200 (let’s not worry about the fine details here). That then becomes a percentage and is applied to your tax bill for the year.

I think we might have to ask the government to cut back a bit, mind. Just for a start, no Trident replacement, no eurofighters, no CCTV, cut back the heating in hospitals and government offices, return to the practice of issuing 1 one new biro when you hand in the empty one, and so on.

Some people would have problems. Jensen Button would probably have to pay enough tax to run a small country (this would of course include what you did at work).

There you go, sorted. Keep the tax coming in and save the planet. Can I have my knighthood now, please?