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Surely between you all you must have heard every accounting/tax joke going...
Georgie Peorgie

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By Anonymous
19th Mar 2008 20:36

Well done Phil!
Well done Phil I've been looking for someone to take over my Essex clients when I retire - you speak the language which will be a great help! You forgot 'TAX' - "wot you keeps your carpets dawn wiv" or "wot ova people pay"

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By darren.austin
19th Mar 2008 14:02

Bridge
An accountant was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The accountant sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

"Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish."

The Accountant agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I don't understand how banks have managed to package crap mortgages and sell them to other, supposedly astute, banks, can you explain it to me please."

The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

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By AnonymousUser
19th Mar 2008 11:12

How to speak Essex

This is an invaluable guide......for those of you that are planning to venture into darkest depths of Essex. A task not for the faint-hearted

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item

amant - Quantity; sum total ('Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend')

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ('That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day')

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ('Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?')

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

Dan in the maff - Unhappy ('Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff')

eye-eels - Women's shoes

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: 'Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper')

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik - Lacking in energy ('I feel all lafarjik')

OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ('I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig')

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan - The city of London, the big smoke

webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ('Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour')

wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ('I told ya a fazzand times already')

NAHYANO...GITONWIVIT...

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By stevec.cooperparry.com
17th Mar 2008 19:57

Taxes explained....
Take a look at http://www.taxblogger.co.uk/category/humour/

(too long to post here)

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By Anonymous
17th Mar 2008 15:51

Just to lower the tone a bit.....
My favourite joke in the world:

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo...

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By AnonymousUser
14th Mar 2008 22:06

Try this one
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:

"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer but on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these bread wafer purchases?" "What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete prick.

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By Anonymous
14th Mar 2008 15:35

another one
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocket-book. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an Inland Revenue genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** He turned into a tampon.


The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

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By thomas.peterson
13th Feb 2008 09:46

An oldie but still one of the best!
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=XMOmB1q8W4Y

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By ACDWebb
03rd May 2007 23:50

Huuuuuuh?????
!

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By Richardrussell
15th Mar 2007 17:19

Going dutch
I met a dutch girl with inflatable shoes the other day. I phoned her up to ask her out for a date, but was disappointed to find that she'd popped her clogs...

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By Anonymous
24th Jul 2007 14:06

...
What was Harry Potter doing during the last fuel crisis?

EXPECTING... PETROLEUM!!!!!

Or are we too mature to read kids books? :)

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By The Minion
21st Mar 2007 10:57

i did souix
but lost and legal fees so bad i now go to work by pawnee

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By Anonymous
28th Mar 2007 13:20

Gertrude

I'm sorry, I just don't understand the joke about two auditors in the bath - could you please hint why it's funny?

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By AnonymousUser
16th Mar 2007 04:33

Lady accountant was caught hanging on the office phone but her panty was jutting out from her skirt.

Office boy spotted that and kindly ask her to tug "that" in.

Lady accountant just came out of the toilet, was told of the urgent office call she must attend.

What call was that? Pay rise, promotion, more work, more clients, more responsibilities.

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By stephenkendrew
14th Mar 2007 16:41

hope this helps
An accountant, a solicitor and a tax inspector were sitting in a sauna.
They heard a bleeping sound, the accountant pressed his arm and the bleeping stopped.“That was my pager, I have a microchip in my arm” he explained.

They then heard a ringing. The solicitor, putting his palm to his ear said, “That was my mobile, it’s implanted into my hand.”

The tax inspector realised that HMRC’s technology was such that he had no chance of keeping up, but he didn’t want to be outdone. He went to the toilet and returned with some toilet paper hanging from his backside.

The other two stared at the tax inspector as he explained, “Just a minute lads-I think I’m getting a fax.”

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By AnonymousUser
14th Mar 2007 16:55

NOt exactly accountancy but good fun at the expense of the US mi

These rules of thumb are followed by those who survive the military and go on to other vocations.

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Army Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S.M.C. Training Bulletin

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Literature.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantryman's Journal

"A slipping trigger gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantryman's Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantryman's Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantryman's Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon Naval brass

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."


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By listerramjet
14th Mar 2007 16:55

how about
IFRS

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By AnonymousUser
14th Mar 2007 17:05

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."

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By Anonymous
14th Mar 2007 17:27

A Chartered Accountant, Certified Accountant
and Chartered Tax Advisor have all been doing some "borderline" tax planning. Being on the run from HM Revenue & Customs they decide to hide in a barn and each climb into a sack.

The taxman bursts in, and walks over to the first sack with the ACA in. He gives it firm kick and the ACA shouts 'Woof'. The taxman says to himself there's just a dog in there and moves on.

He walks over to the second sack and gives that a good boot as well. The ACCA shouts "Meeeooow" and again the taxman shrugs his shoulders and moves on.

He arrives at the third sack. Again he puts the boot in. The CTA shouts "Potatoes!!!!".

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By AnonymousUser
14th Mar 2007 17:39

not an accountancy joke but
I did have a good time at Arsenal's end of season party - last weekend

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By ACDWebb
14th Mar 2007 17:52

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven.
He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.

"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "123 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"

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By Clive Brooks
14th Mar 2007 19:27

You asked for it!
1. A patient was about to have a heart transplant and was offered the choice of the heart of a 28 year old marathon runner or the heart of a 60 year old tax inspector. He picked the tax inspector's heart because he said it had never been used.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in Devon. One went to London and became an MP and later Chancellor of the Exchequer. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor on the farm and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Why are scientists using tax inspectors rather than rats for laboratory experiments?

They're more numerous;
You can't get attached to them; and
There are somethings a rat won't do.

Go to www.revengeofthetaxpayer.co.uk if you want to read worse jokes than these (for charity)!

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By Richardrussell
14th Mar 2007 19:56

From another accountant's website

A Tax inspector, a VAT inspector and an Accountant were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional before a meeting. The Tax Inspector finishes first and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the VAT Inspector and the Accountant, he say "Tax Inspectors are trained to be extremely thorough". The VAT Inspector is second and finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single towel and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says "VAT Inspectors are not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient". The Accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "Accountants learn not to piss[***] on their hands."

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By AnonymousUser
15th Mar 2007 08:38

Definition of an extrovert accountant?
One who looks at your shoes when he is talking to you rather than his own.


Old, but still my favourite!

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By theaardvark
15th Mar 2007 10:00

Doberman....
What's the difference between a Doberman and a Tax Inspector?

A doberman will eventually let go!

Incidentally, did you know the Doberman breed was initially created by a Tax inspector, Herr Doberman, who needed a loyal but ferocious dog to protect him?

Wikipedia Entry

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By AnonymousUser
15th Mar 2007 10:30

The Accountant And The Frog Princess
An accountant is out for a walk by a river, and spies a frog sitting on the bank.

The frog says, "I'm a Beautiful Princess under a wicked spell if you give me a kiss and make me human again I will stay with you for a week."

The accountant smiles as he picks up the frog and puts her into his pocket, then continues his walk.

A little later the accountant takes the frog out of his pocket and she says, "I'm a Beautiful Princess under a wicked spell if you give me a kiss and make me human again I will stay with you for two weeks and do anything you ask no matter how depraved."

The accountant smiles and puts her back in his pocket.

Much later he takes her out of his pocket again and she crys, "Don't you realise that I am a beautiful princess with an incredible body, and if you kiss me I will become human again and will stay with you for a year and do anything you want, whatever it is."

And the accountant says, "I'm an accountant and far too busy to have a girlfriend, but a talking frog now that's cool."

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By The Minion
16th Mar 2007 15:39

or
the accountant who was thrown out of heaven for fiddling with the prophets


David
(currently dressed as storm trooper from star wars - it's comic relief day, and we have raised over £500 so far!)

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By Robert Clubb
16th Mar 2007 15:09

Divorce?
A 51 year old accountant decides to spend Christmas at the London Hilton.

He leaves a note at home for his wife saying where he is and that, he's bored, she's boring and he wants to brighten up his life. He tells her that he's spending the holiday period with a 18 year old Swedish nymphomaniac called Helga.

On arrival at the hotel the receptionist hands him a note. It's from his wife and she says....................

"I too am 51, and am also bored with life and our relationship. So, I had already made plans to stay for Christmas at the Savoy with an 18 year old Italian stud called Ricardo............

As you are an accountant dear, you will be able to work out that 18 goes into 51 a lot more times than 51 goes into 18 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

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By Anonymous
15th Mar 2007 15:56

Auditors
Company accountant comes back from lunch and finds his assistant sitting at her desk with her left breast hanging out.

"What's going on there, your left breast is hanging out?".

"Bloody auditors, never put anything back where they found it!"

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By Richardrussell
15th Mar 2007 10:50

Not quite accountancy, but still v. funny

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be in IT,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”"Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am”, replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my f******g fault.”

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By Phil Barbasiewicz
15th Mar 2007 11:49

Not accountancy-related too but still amusing...
What's black & brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman.

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By Anonymous
15th Mar 2007 12:01

Tax...
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously
divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin". "What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and call me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was...............oh how I miss him!

But now I have married you, "I'm so excited!" "Good", said the husband, "but why?"

"You're a Tax Man......This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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By thomas.peterson
15th Mar 2007 15:27

A little tenous maybe, but...
...
An accountant and a priest are playing golf. Every time the accountant misses a put, or slices the ball into the lake he shouts "DAMN IT ALL TO HELL, MISSED!"

After about half an hour of this the priest is starting to get upset at the profanity and asks the accountant to stop it.

"If you continue to curse like that God will become angry and strike you down!"

The accountant, being an athiest, shushes the priest and proceeds to hit his worst shot yet, sending the ball deep into a forest.

"DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!" he screams, "MISSED!!!!" Whereupon a bolt of lightning streaks down and strikes the priest and leaving a pair of smoking shoes.

"DAMN IT ALL TO HELL, MISSED!" booms a voice from the heavens.

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By AnonymousUser
15th Mar 2007 16:08

Tony Kelly's joke
... the frog and the accountant.... I laughed out loud at that one!

Others also a rather entertaining diversion from an afternoon's work...

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By The Minion
20th Mar 2007 09:07

i'm sorry but
i must leap to georgie porgie's defence here.

In these modern times we must allow for all creeds, colours and attitudes. People such as Georgie (if i may be so informal) have a place in our lives just as the irritating trainee who still can't balance a bank after six months of trying has a place.

It may of course be that Georgie doesn't feel that this is the place for him and his kind (for surely there must be others - i have checked SITES and georgie porgies aren't listed).

So that this thing does not happen again can i suggest that we have a separate strand to this?

If all are agreeable i would suggest it be called the grumbling appendix.

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By AnonymousUser
20th Mar 2007 04:50

Pee Wee Chery Tweed pee Kenny peee

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as
he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter".
Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send
me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought
until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,
how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Kenny
"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for
the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard[***], you're shitting[***] the bed!

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By AnonymousUser
20th Mar 2007 04:57

World with no men....men no ever listen, do they, why? Like Cran
An oldie....

>In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts
>to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse
>noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if,
>you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
>He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the
>buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by
>letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he
>touched
>them?
>He couldn't resist.
>He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice
>feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
>Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm
>Air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this
>stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom
>adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
>The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender
>loving. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR
>button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
>Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
>nurse was staring down at him.
>"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the
>ATR button. The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an
>Automatic Tampon Remover.
>Your penis[***] is under your pillow."
>Men Never Listen .........do they?

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By Trevorlfox
16th Mar 2007 16:49

an accountant joke

An accountant was walking down the street when he was stopped by a beggar. " Spare us a fiver, guv " said the beggar. "'Ok then", said the accountant " here's five pounds ". " Thanks guv, thanks a lot" said the beggar. " Now then " said the accountant, " how does that compare with the same period last year ? "

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By Ken Howard
16th Mar 2007 17:17

A few one-liners!!
Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A.Jail.

Q. What's the definition of an accountant?
A. Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Q. What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A. Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Q. When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A. When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Q. What's an extroverted accountant?
A. One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

Q.What's an auditor? A. Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Q. Why did the auditor cross the road?
A. Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Q. What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room.
A. Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

Q. How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A. Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

Q. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A. Depreciation.

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By amaltbyns
16th Mar 2007 18:00

Haven't laughed so much in years
An accountant banker and solicitor were called in to see an important client
"I am dying and i want to take it all with me" he said
You will each take one of thes envelopes containing £1m and put it
in my coffin just before they screw down the lid.
They all agreed to comply.
The client died and at the funeral they all put their envelopes in the coffin and the man was duly buried.
At the wake in the pub the three found themselves in a corner
The banker said "As we're on our own I have a confession to make
Old Barard was a skinflint who never said thank you for all i did for him so before I put the envelope in I took out £10,000 .
"I'm glad you said that "said the solicitor " I agree he was a mean old *** and I took £20,000 out to cover my pain and under recoveries on scale"

They looked at the accountant who smiled and said "I am surprised at you both I put a cheque in for the full amount"

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By AnonymousUser
16th Mar 2007 23:58

Rabbit
The Inland Revenue, Contributions Agency, and Customs & Excise are all trying to prove they are the best at extracting confessions from taxpayers. The Chancellor of the Exchequer decides to give them a test.

He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The Contributions Agency goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest and question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The Revenue goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Customs goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!".

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By Anonymous
19th Mar 2007 09:20

Pudding and pie
MD calls in internal auditor:-

George, you have to marry the blonde bookkeeper in accounts

Why?

Well , you turned over the sheets, made an entry, and have buggered up the monthly returns.

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By AnonymousUser
20th Mar 2007 05:00

Not bad - reincarnation of Cranon posting here, good one too alw
SOme screw up already like this one already done. Accountants all of by reading here?

>>
>> A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive young woman
>> waving at him. She says hello.
>>
>> He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
>> So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the
>> father of one of my kids."
>>
>> Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
>> his wife and says, "My God, are you one of the strippers from mybachelor
>> party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching
>> while your partner whipped my butt[***] with wet celery?
>>
>> She look
>> at him sideways, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

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By thomas.peterson
23rd Mar 2007 07:37

????
Hey, when I last looked yesterday this thread had about 20 more posts in it, where did they go?!?

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By Anonymous
20th Mar 2007 08:48

Spoon
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Billy the interupting auditor"
"Billy the interupting auditor w-"
"IMMATERIAL ERROR!"

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By AnonymousUser
20th Mar 2007 09:38

peorgie girl good one here for you to desire - the one you feed
Two Wolves

One Evening An Old Cherokee Indian Told His Grandson About A Battle That Goes On Inside People. He Said, "My Son, the Battle Is Between 2 "Wolves" Inside Us All.

One Is Evil. It Is Anger, Envy, Jealousy, Sorrow, Regret, Greed, Arrogance, Self-Pity, Guilt, Resentment, Inferiority, Lies, False Pride, Superiority, And Ego.

The Other Is Good. It Is Joy, Peace, Love, Hope, Serenity, Humility, Kindness, Benevolence, Empathy, Generosity, Truth, Compassion And Faith."

The Grandson Thought about It for a Minute and Then Asked His Grandfather: "Which Wolf Wins?"

The Old Cherokee Simply Replied, "The One You Feed."

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By Anonymous
22nd Mar 2007 08:53

.
Well aside from the odd attempt to de-rail the thread I think the majority of the jokes have been accounting related, although some have been a bit of a stretch :)

If we could keep this thread going until I retire that would be super, at least then I will have a guaranteed source of mirth each day.

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By ACDWebb
23rd Mar 2007 14:06

A lawyer and an accountant are applying to join MI5
They have passed all tests but the final one. Both are in a waiting room ready for their final test.

First, the lawyer is given a gun and told to go into the room and execute the spy sitting in the chair. The lawyer goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. She lifts the blindfold and sees its her husband. She leaves the room saying she could not shoot him. The lawyer is told she failed the test and can not become an FBI agent.

The accountant is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The accountant goes into the room and the agents outside the room hear a gun shot. After this they hear a lot a rustling and banging.

Finally the accountant comes out and says, "someone put blanks in the gun so I had to choke him to death."

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By Anonymous
23rd Mar 2007 08:56

Well done A-Web!
They've removed the drivel from the hijackers! Splendid, now we can concentrate on the funnies, I'm loving this thread :-)

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By The Minion
20th Mar 2007 10:54

i used to have
a cherokee but it used too much fuel

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