Surely between you all you must have heard every accounting/tax joke going... Georgie Peorgie
Oh good, another hijacked threadGoing back to the topic with a David Tweedie joke (no, not an FRS this time):
Q: What do you call it when a 50 seat coach goes over a cliff with 40 lawyers on board?
A: A waste of 10 seats.
There are three types of accountants:Those who can count and those who can't.
Lol, made me chuckle anyway...A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you £100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet.
The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says, "Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees.
"You are an auditor," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
SheepAn accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor."Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.""Have you tried counting sheep?""That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion. The accountant said "I like both""Both ?" they asked. The accountant replied "Yeah", if you have a wife and a mistress, they each think you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go into the office and get some work done.
Two add two is..A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two"? The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.
..Taxman: “The position is that if I don’t have one thousand pounds fromyou soon, you’re going to jail.”
Businessman: “Now you’re talking. Here’s one thousand pounds inused notes.”
Taxman: “Let me give you a receipt.”
Businessman: “What, a thousand nicker in cash and you’re going to put it through the books?”
re the comment by Mr Meliai used to have a cherokee but it used too much fuel
I think he should Sioux.
More maths / IT than accountancy...There are 10 types of people.
Those that understand binary and those that don't.
No soap radio explainedSee No soap radio
An oldie but a goodieTwo auditors are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, "Pass the soap." The second one says, "No soap, radio!"
EinsteinNot so much a joke as a humorous quotation:
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
-- Albert Einstein
JokesA nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the HMRC Tax Inspector who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Peterson, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the UK. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Peterson, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
Did you hearabout the Yorkshire accountant who called a spade a spade until he tripped over one.
Good to see thatQ. Why did the auditor cross the road?A. Because he checked his books and that is what he did last year.
EDIT - as this bit makes no sense after the cullpeople understand what a joke is and how binary works, or is it me misunderstanding through the somewhat bizarre use of English?
Irony is such a hard taskmaster :)
NoThey didn't "remove the drivel from the hijackers", they just deleted the latest 20 or so posts (some of which were genuine jokes).
They have also left a lot of dubious posts alone. So they didn't surgically remove inappropriate posts, they just deleted a batch of posts regardless of their on topic/off topic status.
Perhaps in future a more precise approach should be adopted? Why not implement some sort of moderator flagging device to alert mods (assuming they exist on here) to topics that need removing?
#edit# I take it back, a precision bombing of some posts has been made, as there were topics between this post and my one above.
GoGo Accounting Web!
Bad joke - MD is a qualified accountantDoes Management really know their Staffs?
On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a youngboy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.
He approached the young man and calmly said to him,How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $ 6000.00 cash then gave it to the young man and said:"Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months 'salary', now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight. Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner:"And that applies for everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him,"Who's the young man that I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!!!"
He surprises... and walk away!!
Again, not strictly accounting, but...A young couple had been going out together for about a month. The young girl, eager to take the relationship on to the next level, invites the young man to her house for Sunday dinner and to meet her Mum and Dad. “And after dinner, we shall make love for the first time” she promises.
The young man is extremely excited about this, but realises that he must act responsibly, so goes to a chemists.
“I would like some condoms” he says to the pharmacist.“We have many kinds of condoms sir. What did you have in mind?” asks the pharmacist.“Well”, says the young man excitedly, “I am going to have sex for the firsttime. I expect we shall be at it for hours, until we both are exhausted.”
“Sounds like you're going to have fun, you'd better take a jumbo lubricated box” replies the pharmacist.
Anyway, Sunday arrives, and the young couple are sitting at the table with her parents, and they say grace. The young man is very earnest in his praying. After twenty minutes, the young lady whispers to him “You never told me you were so religious”.
The young man answers “well, you never told me that your father was a fecking pharmacist!”
And another...A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and furwwy black wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabbit over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck[***]!"
IdiotThe PAYE inspector called on the farmer.
"Who do have working here?" he asks.
"Well there is the tractor driver, he is on £200pw, there is the herdsman who is on £250pw, Oh and there is the village idiot". "You can't use nasty language like that any more you know! What does he earn?"
"He does around 80 -90 hours a week, sometimes he takes a tenner but usually he has to go home without anything."
But that is outrageous! - Where is this fellow?
"You are talking to him."
An oldie but it still makes me laughToo long to post here, so I'll post a link instead. And despite many claims to the contrary, no it's not real, it was printed in the Guardian but as a joke:
Buying a ticketThree accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant. They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant. When they board the train the three engineers cram into a restroom and the three accountants cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."
Another...Q: What do Accountants use for contraception?A: Their personalities.
I hope this qualifiesTax inpector visits a synagogue to pusue an enquiry (yes, I know, I wouldn't have allowed that either!). During the meeting, thinking he may have found an undeclared benefit-in-kind, he asks the rabbi what he does with the wax that falls from the candles."Well," says the rabbi, "I collect all the left-over wax and send it to the candle-maker. After a while, he sends me a complete candle."Foiled by this explanation, the inspector tries to find something else. After a while he asks the rabbi what he does with the crumbs from the biscuits used in the ceremonies."Well," says the rabbi, patiently, "I collect all the left-over crumbs and send them to the biscuit-maker. After a while, he sends me a complete biscuit."The inspector is frustrated, once again. After some more thought, he asks the rabbi what he does with the foreskins that are removed during the circumcisions."Well," says the rabbi, "I collect all the foreskins and send them to the local tax office. After a while they send me a complete dick."
TimesheetA Chartered Accountant reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."
The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.
"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.
The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "123 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."
St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"
I appologiseJust so you all know I didn't intend to cause any offence with my little non-joke, I was just curious as to whether people would ask why it was funny (and what list of jokes is complete without a varient on the 'No Soap, Radio!' one). No harm intended.
Incidently now I have seen the Wiki entry and gone though some of the links at the bottom, how easy would it be to change 'The Aristocrats' into 'The Chartered/Certified Accountants'?
Another good one too.....What do accountants use for personalities?
Accountant : I can't answer.
Great minds....Well done, Yvonne. You filed before me and your version is much better. Authenticity is the key!
summary of jokes for easy referenceSo easy for us all now if we all want to read jokes.
Just click "http://try.starware.com/landing/jokes/jokes_05.php?aff_id=azoogle_joke-ft-btn-grn-728x90&nsrc=az2&click_hash=21biXTH"
Happy joking happy reading happy laughing. Ho ho ho ho ho ..santa
Another oneThis joke was sent to me by Debbie McGee for 'Revenge of the Taxpayer'
An accountant walks into a restaurant that specialises in seafood and orders squid.
“Certainly Sir,” says Gervaise the waiter, “Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?"
“Yes, I’ll have that little green one with the moustache” says the Accountant.
“Oh no!” replies Gervaise “ but he’s my favourite! He’s so small and cute and friendly. Surely you’d prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?”
“No” says the Accountant “ It’s got to be that one.”
So Gervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and the little green squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a friendly grin!
“It’s no good” says Gervaise, “I can’t do it. I’ll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He’s big and tough – he has no trouble with squid.”So out comes Hans, while Gervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the same knife , raises it to chop the little squid’s head off and once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles and twitches his moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The Accountant always on the look out for the moral ….Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise with mild green hairy – lip squid.
Come on it's not that bad.......or perhaps it is!! On the good side it helped raise £3000 for the meningitis trust.
HURRAH!!!The hairy squid stories start. I believe the mass groan for that was heard on the continent :)
more jokesCome on peeps lets have some more amusing jokes!!!! i need a laugh!
Child Support ApplicationsBe Warned - Fairly Crude!!!
The following are (allegedly) taken from entries made on genuine Child Support Agency Forms:
01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
It's so true.....A partner, his secretary and a department manager are walking across a green space on their way to get sandwiches for lunch. The Manager spots something glinting next to a rubbish bin. It turns out to be an old oil lamp with an inscription on it. He rubs it to see what the inscription says. A plume of smoke erupts from the lamp and a genie pops out. "You have released me from ten thousand years of incaceration", he informs them, "and I will grant each of you a wish".
"Me first!" shouts the secretary. I want to be sunning myself on the deck of my villa in the south of France, with my boat moored in the harbour and my hunky toyboy making lunch in the kitchen" - and, with a flash of light and a puff of smoke, she disappears.
"Me next!" says the manager. I want to be lying on my own beach in the Bahamas, with ten million dollars in my bank account and my beautiful blonde girlfriend rubbing lotion into my back" - and he, too disappears.
The genie turns to the Partner. "Your turn", he announces. The Partner considers for a moment.
"I want those two back at their desks by 2.30pm" he says and walks on.
auditing in the bathtub, of courseDear Dave, as a very experienced auditor, I can easily figure out what 'they" are doing in the bath-tub. So to speak, your innocence, .... what a joke.
I'm sorry, I just don't understand the joke about two auditors in the bath - could you please hint why it's funny?"
Two auditors are in a bath tuband one says "where's the soap?"
And the other says "it's immaterial"
All the very experienced auditors should get that one!
And a variation on the classic...
Two nuns are in a bath, one say "where's the soap", and the other says............"it's here, but I've used it a lot and there's just habit left".
Pretend he's an accountantA little green man lives in a little green town. One day he is on his way home from the little green shops after buying his little green groceries. He walks along the little green road, up a little green sidestreet to his little green house. He puts his little green key in the little green door and steps into his little green hallway. His little green dog runs over to him and he pats his little green head, before heading to his little green kitchen where he unpacks his little green bags and fills his little green cupboards. Once he is done he heads back to his little green hallway and walks up his little green stairs to his little green bathroom where he turns on his little green taps and fills his little green bath with little green bathwater. He undresses and gets in, stopping only to get his little green duck and little green submarine to play with.
Suddenly the doorbell rings, so the little green man steps out of his little green bath, puts on a little green towel and goes to his little green landing. He walks down his little green stairs, past the little green dog and opens his little green door to find a little blue woman. The little green man has never seen a little blue woman before and is so shocked he lets go of his little green towel and his little green body is revealed for all the world to see. The little blue woman screams at this sight, turns and runs straight into the little green road where a little green bus runs her over and kills her.
What's the moral of this story? Don't cross the road while the green mans flashing!
An oldie (and not actually very funny)A British accountant touches down in Texas and goes into a cafe for a drink. Whilst at the bar, a Texan asks the barmaid "Could you pass the sugar, sugar?" in the deepest Texan drawl. A couple of minutes later, another Texan asks the barmaid "Could you pass the honey, honey?".
The accountant is highly impressed with these soft chat up lines, and asks the barmaid "Could you pass the milk, you cow?"
But...Hehe, I quite liked Annes... And I like that she has a Monty Python name.
RR, not to be picky (but hey, it's what I do) but... For consistency it would have to be either
Sugar SugarHoney Honey(lol, #sings "you are my candy girl, and you got me wanting you"#)Milk Milk
Sugar Sugar caneHoney BeeMilk Cow
But at least it wasn't one I had heard before :)
I would rather pretend I had never read it!Anne, that was awful!!
Actually Thomasthe joke is in the association of words used to address ladies - honey, sugar - with actuial products - honey, sugar. The final one linked a product - milk - with the animal which it came from - cow - which is also an alternative way of addressing a lady (although not a very polite one).
Christ, I can't believe I just did that!!!
So come on Thomas, stop trying to analyse jokes and POST SOME.
NooooooooThe topic is dying!
#Tries to think of a joke quickly#
Ummmmm, what's brown and sticky?
What do you call a spider with no eyes?
How do you spell 'hungry horse' in 4 letters?
JokeLiked the honey, honey one, made me lol.
Heard most of the accountancy ones. Anyway am rubbish at remembering jokes so will offer this:
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Dog and PubA pub landlord had a dog. He was well liked by the locals, drinking the odd bowl of lager, and eating up the dropped peanuts. However, after many years of living by the bar, the old dog passed away. The locals were obviously upset, and so decided to cut off his tail and put it over the bar as a reminder of him.
A couple of days later, the landlord had just called time, and had ushered the last punter out when he saw an aparition - it was the ghost of the dog. "What are you doing here old boy?" asked the landlord.
"I've come back for my tail. They won't let me into doggy heaven as I'm not a complete dog. So can I have it back?" said the dog (who could obviously talk).
"I'm sorry boy" said the landlord "I'm not allowed to retail spirits after hours!"
along the same linesRabbit goes into a pub, orders a pint and a cheese toastie at the bar and sits down. He eats the toastie, drains the last of his pint, thanks the barman and leaves.
The next day, the rabbit comes back, orders a pint and a Ham & Mushroom toastie at the bar and sits down. He eats the toastie, drains the last of his pint, thanks the barman and leaves.
The next day, the rabbit comes back, orders a pint and a Cheese and Bacon toastie at the bar and sits down. He eats the toastie, drains the last of his pint, but as he gets up lto leave, he drops down dead.
They didn't see the rabbit the next day, for obvious reasons, but the next week, the ghost of the rabbit comes into the bar. He says hello to the barman, and says
"I wanted to come back and reassure you that it wasn't your food and ale, they were mighty fine. No, it was my fault, I was mixing my toasties."
.... (yes its awful!)
DoctorBloke goes into the doctors with a cucumber up each nostril and a banana in each ear.
Doctor says I know whats wrong with you, you're not eating properly.
Honest AccountantFather Christmas, and Honest acountant and the easter bunny were walking down the road, they found a fifty pound note on the floor, who kept it.?
None of them.
Because none of the really exisit!
JokeThat last one was hilarious.
Something along the lines of the no soap, radio thing?
What a joke! hilarious too......That one before this was greatly hilariously written up.Definitely along the track of the soapy operahs, mini compo and video conferensing thinkings?
Back to the subject in hand...A cow and a sheep are in bed together.
The cow says "moooove over"
And the sheep says "Baaaaallocks"
Hope this oneisn't too rude, but I think it's great.
A young man wanted to buy a gift for his girlfriend's birthday. They hadn't been going out for very long so he thought long and hard before remembering that on their last couple of dates she had complained her hands were cold. So he decided a pair of gloves might be appropriate, not too personal but nonetheless, thoughtful. Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, they went to Harrods and he bought a stylish pair of cream-coloured leather gloves. At the same time the sister bought a pair of knickers and they both asked for their purchases to be gift-wrapped.
Unfortunately, the shop assistant mixed the items up and the guy left with the gift wrapped knickers and the girlfriend's sister left with the gloves. The boyfriend, without checking his package, decided to deliver his present in person, but when he arrived at his girlfriend's house she wasn't in. So instead he posted the present through her front door accompanied by the following note:-
Happy Birthday Darling,I hope you like these. I chose them because I noticed you're not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. Had it not been for your sister, I'd have chosen long ones with white buttons, but she wears short ones and they're easier to pull off. I was worried because they're a delicate shade but the shop assistant showed me the pair she's worn for the past 3 weeks and they're hardly soiled at all.I had her try on yours and 'though a little tight, they looked really smart. She said that the material keeps her ring clean and shiny and in fact she hasn't had to wash them since wearing them. I wish you'd been there so I could've put them on for you myself' as no doubt many hands will come in contact with them before I see you again. Just think how many times I'll hold them in my hand over the coming year. When you take them off, remember to blow into them, as they will be a little damp from wearing. I hope you'll wear them for me on Friday night.All my love,
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.