Surely between you all you must have heard every accounting/tax joke going... Georgie Peorgie
Shaggy Dog 1In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting about wore me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that shit[***][***]."
Shaggy Dog 2A man comes across a team of men and a dog playing poker in a pub. At the bar a little later he says to one of the men "I have to say I have never seen anything so extraordinary before! I had no idea a dog could be taught to play cards, let alone poker. Such a clever creature..."
"Not sure about clever," says the man "whenever he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
poor jokehow did peak-a-choo (cant spell it properly) get on the bus......pokemon!!!!!
Don't think we've had this oneA biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you a wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
If you thinksome of the jokes on this thread are bad, check out the economist's version.
An example of the kind of wit on offer:
Q:How many Keynesian economists does it takes to change a light bulb? A:All. Because then you will generate employment, more consumption, dislocating the AD (agg. demand) to the right,...
SurgeonsFive surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt[***] are interchangeable."
StressAn office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk, totally stressed out.
He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic, and it really helped; you should try it too!".
Two weeks later, when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up, and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice".
"I did", answers the employee. "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
?Maybe Mr peterson!
who started those rumours???
HiediHmmmm, do I know you Hiedi? You feel familiar...
By the way, rumours of my death at the hands of my previous employers were greatly exagerated, I am alive and well!
HeidiI used to go out with a girl called Hilda, maybe you know her?
I heard a rumour had been put around that to avoid protracted legal proceedings my ex-employers had sent the boys round to wet me up, I just wanted to assure everyone that I am alive and well.
And poster below me, what arrow? I just see two men stood on a balcony...
Thomas and HeidiThis thread is for JOKES, not your schoolground, giggly, nancy-like shenanigans. OK, you used to be an item (although not so much if Thomas can't even spell your name right) - so now that's over with, let's have some jokes.
Phil, yes the arrow goes up his backside (which is sadly the funniest thing posted here today).
Crap joke time - I used to be ambidextrous, but I'm all right now.
Seen it PhilCan't be a secret plan because they are showing you where he hid his.
Just pretend they're accountants!There were two elderly people who lived in a nursing home, and usually spent their afternoons together watching television. They would often lie in bed and she would hold his pecker[***], although she wouldn't do anything more with it.
One day, she's walking down the hall and she passes the room of another female resident. To her surprise, she sees her boyfriend lying on the bed and another woman is holding his pecker[***].
She storms into the room and shouts, "I thought we had something going for us! Is she better looking than me? Is she younger? What does she have that I don't?"
The old man looks up and remarks with a grin, "Parkinsons."
CommentatorsMichael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny[***] Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny[***], other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
'Winning Posts' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Commentators Part II
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch[***] this morning and it was amazing!"
Another type accountant people in this worldTommy, accountant cannot budget is called opposite what you said. Correct? No need budget already very good like ABC costing.
Where got such doctor in the world now?
Corporate Lesson 1A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
MIA recognition for AIA qualification!A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make AIA recognised by MIA, I will worry about it I'm not having a real good time like I am My dad holds an AIA qualification Lord, you are so high above in heaven I am sure you can do wonders for AIA."
Another good old one too!
An AIA member invited non-AIA members to dinner. At the table, AIA member turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy AIA member say," the AIA member Mommy answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people (non-AIA members) to dinner?"
Actuallyif you take all the AIA (whatever THAT is) crap out, the last joke could be quite funny!!!
An accountant invited several other people to dinner. At the table, the accountant turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mummy say," the accountant answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?...........just one, he/she holds the bulb & the whole world rotates around them!!!
Accountant parrotsA man decides that he would like a parrot and so goes to visit his local petshop. He's shown around by the owner.
"You might be interested in these accountancy parrots, " he says. "This parrot is worth £400 and can carry out audits according to international auditing standards."
The man is impressed.
"This parrot costs £750 and he can not only carry out audits but is a whizz with financial reporting and tax compliance."
The man is further impressed and the shopkeeper shows him the final parrot. "This parrot costs £4,000."
"For that price, he must be able to do something really special," says the man excitedly.
"Well, to be honest, I've not really seen him do anything," the shopkeeper replies.
"So, why the price?" asks the man.
"The other two parrots call him senior partner."
I don't know if these people were accountantsAlways wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park.
The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixedthe car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Bear with meHow do you make a bear cross?
Nail two together.
Hilarious spoof about street accountantsMy apologies if this has been posted before. An old boss of mine to whom I used to complain to about having to tout for clients sent me this link.
Beware of telling clients that you think their petty cash statements are special!
I understand thatsame prostitute turned up at a toga party dressed as a goat
laughsA guy with no arms and legs is lying on the beach. A girl passes by and says "Ahh, have you ever been kissed by a woman". He says "No" so she gives him a smacker. Some time later a buxom girl comes along and says "Ahh, have you ever had a hug". He replies "No" so she gives him a cuddle. Moments later another girl walks by and says "Ahh, have you ever been f***ed". He replies "No" and she says "Well you will be soon because the tide's coming in".
Dyslexic Prostitute....... got drunk at the toga party and died. She'd choked on her own vimto.
BTW Police found an ice cream man dead in his van. He was lying on the floor drizzled with raspberry sauce and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands. Police said he'd topped himself.
Text LifeFour fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Did you hear about...Did you hear about the dyslexic prostitute who opened a warehouse?
She went off with the dyslexic aetheist (who didn't believe in dog).
An accountant and a lawyer...are out hunting bears, when the lawyer slips, strikes his head on a rock and falls down a 30 foot cliff.
The accountant climbs down to try and help him, but can't find a pulse. In a panic, he calls the park rangers on his mobile phone, and says he thinks his friend is dead, what should he do?
The park ranger replies "Calm down, sir. First of all you have to make sure your friend is dead..."
There is a slight pause, a gun shot, and then the accountant says,
"OK. Now what?"
The only reason that this joke is here is that it is the sort thA duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"."I see your eyes are working", replies the duck."And you talk!" exclaims the barman."I see your ears are working", says the duck,"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?""Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just wedon't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"."I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says tohim, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that woul bejust brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"."Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying reallygood money!""Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?""At the circus", says the barman."The circus?" the duck enquires."That's right", replies the barman."The circus?" the duck asks again."Yes" says the barman"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires."Yeah" the barman replies."With all the animals?" the duck questioned."Of Course" the barman replies."With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck."That's right!" says the barman.The duck looks confused.
"What would they want with a plasterer?
How unlucky am I?I was at the said Toga party, and pulled an old woman. She was well fit for 57. We drank a bit, had a bit of a snog, and she asked me if I'd ever had a mother/daughter threesome. I said no. She said tonight was my lucky night. We went back to hers, she opened the door and shouted upstairs "mum, you still awake?"
Not really a joke but....I was amused by this comment in a letter received from my firm's signwriter:
"I would be grateful if you could check that my sketch of your sign is OK. I can easily make more space between Accountants and and and and and Auditors."
Nice oneWith just two fewer "and"s it would have made sense. It would still have raised a chuckle, mind.
And and etcI think it makes sense with 5 "and"s
Reminds me of the had had had had etc thing
Which company is that?Been a long time that I have not been to USA. Which company is that L_Tec?
I like to fail there and get a trip to USA and play truant in Disneyland.
Just a joke, okay!
The joy of failure is a success overseas trip.
VD or not VDTwo STD's at the VD clinic. One turns to the other and says "looks like we're a gonorrhoea".
Yeah LunaHow DARE you keep reading childrens books even though you are an adult (I assume), don't you know you should only read books relevant to your age group? Take a leaf out of Mr Rees book (ha!) and read something more appropriate!
Bah, I don't know, people thinking they can do whatever they like so long as they enjoy it! Good job we have people like Phil to put them in their place...
Residential CourseTwo accountants have spent a week on a residential course miles from home. On Friday evening they are getting ready to leave:
'When I get home I'm going to rip my wifes knickers off' says one.
'God, you're randy' says the other.
'No, they are too small and have gone up my bum[***]!' replies the first.
Risque maybe...How do you make a hormone?
Refuse to pay her!
a man walked intoa chemists in sweden and asked for some anti perspirant
"Ball or aerosol?" asked the chemist
Neither thanks just under arm.
sex frogsCustomer relations so i suppose it counts as an accountant joke
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As >she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The >sign>says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions.">The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She >whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." As the >man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the >instructions!">>>The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.?>>>As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the >instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is>specified:>1. Take a shower.>2. Splash on some nice perfume.>3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.>4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog >to do what he has been trained to do.>>>She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise >nothing happens!>>>The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She >re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it >says,>>>"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.">>>So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over.">>>Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes >him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the >instructions.>The frog just sits there.">>>The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly >into its eyes and sternly says:>"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!">
Phil, Tommy Cooper were alive todayhe would credit Tim Vine holder of the world record for gags/hour. :)
Mind you they still make me laugh everytime
Hahahahahaha!Chris, I was JUST about to post the EXACT same joke.
Looks like we hang out at the same cyber places, ney? :)
Best I can doA bloke tried to sell me 8 legs of venison last week but I passed, it was too dear.
A Clock...made from potato?John to wife Mary: "When you go to the supermarket, could you get me a potato?"
Mary: "Why do you want a potato?"
John: "Because I need to make a clock from it"
Mary: "What on earth for?"
John: "Because my boss says I've got to get a potato clock".
OK ChrisA guy goes back to his girlfriends after they've been out drinking. They start kissing and cuddling on the settee. Suddenly, he says "I need to go to the toilet".
The girl, looking anguished, says "my mum and dad are asleep upstairs, you'll have to go in the sink in the kitchen."
"OK" says the lad and disappears into the kitchen.
A couple of minutes later, he shouts through "have you got any toilet roll?"
GrassOne day an accountant was riding in his limosine (OK, but go with it!) when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass". The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."
So the accountant said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The accountant told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The accountant said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
not a joke .... but time for a poem instead i think !May be i am rich
May be I am poor
May be i have money in my bank accountMay be i dont
May be i have money burried in the city of London
I may or may not be wealthy but i do still feel quite healthy
so i consider myself to luckier than many others from other places around the world or in GB ............................
I have food on the table ... a roof over my head .... transport to get me from a to b ...........................
And I still have.....
Ten fingersTen toesTwo armsTwo legsTwo eyesTwo earsA nose32 or is that 34 teeth including wisdom teeth ?Most of my hair ........and to the best of my knowledge all my own internal organs and parts which are all working as they should be !
which means i can write even more of these poems .............
now talking of GB dose that stand for Great brittian ... or Gordan Brown
nows there another poem and story for a latter date concerning those GB & TB ......... when TB was PM and GB was at the Treasury !
That one i shall keep to myself for the time being ..........
Thats all for now folks !
you may print this off how ever coy write to this is claimed by Iain Nicolsonand it may not be sold by any one else including Accountancy Web