Surely between you all you must have heard every accounting/tax joke going... Georgie Peorgie
Love it :)
.My accoutant is a flagialistic necrophiliac with beastialic tendancies.
I think he's flogging a dead horse though...
...An accountant walks into a bar.
He orders a drink.
Not accounting, but still funny...Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next *** from the butt[***] of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway,so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know
Thank you thank you all!Wow, my topic made number 3 on the most viewed list!
I'd like to thank you all, without you none of this would have been possible. I'd like to thank God and Shiva and Woden for watching over me, and my mom and dad who were always there for me...
#Accepts applause and lifts small trophy#
vicar of dibley joke...What do accountants do when they are constipated.....work it out with a pencil.
What this board needs...
... is more laughter!
Incidently, can any topic top the 63,000 views this has had?
A thread resurrection as some of these are reasonably good.,