Morning folks!
I hope you all had a great weekend, whether you were at Glasto or not (I write with no hint of jealousy..!)
In other news, whilst trawling the web for accounting content late last week, I stumbled across a comedy show "made by accountants, and for accountants" according to its creators. The show, which can be watched in its entirety on Youtube, seems to shine a spotlight on the weird and wonderful interactions that every firm has found themselves in.
With this in mind, I wondered if any of you have any humorous stories from your time in practice? Does anything come to mind that still makes you LionofLudesch chuckle?
Have a great week everyone - looking forward to hearing from you all.
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You ought to know that jokes/humour etc. and accountancy are usually mutually exclusive. Here's a good joke though.
What's Kermit the frog's favourite saying?
Time's fun when you're having flies.
An Economist, a Statistician and an Accountant are all interviewing for the same job.
First up is the Economist, her enters the room, usual pleasantries exchanged re wife/kids/hobbies and then one of the interviewers says they have a small test and asks him what is 2+2. The economist scratches his head and then says that it really depends on the Yen and its relationship with the Dollar, but subject to forward expectations it likely will land in the range between 2 and 6. Interviewer thanks him and asks him on leaving to send in the next candidate, the Statistician
The Statistician enters, interview follows same format, wife, kids dog etc, then same question asked of him, what is 2+2? Statistician pulls out his slide rule (old story) works through his calculations and then states that he has 95% confidence the answer is 4. The Interviewer thanks him and asks him to send in the last candidate.
The Accountant enters, same pleasantries, wife, kids, dog , golf handicap, then the interviewer asks him the question , what is 2+2. Accountant looks left, right, up, down, gets out of his chair and looks in a cupboard, opens door to room and shuts it, checks under the desk and when satisfied sidles over to the interviewer and says "Whatever you want it to be"
"MTD starts April 2024"
I thought it was a joke - seems the joke is on us.
No, the joke is still fairly and squarely on HMRC.
There was the lady who said she would pay her Husband's bill. I told her I didn't mind who paid it as long as it was paid soon as it was long overdue.
I never did get the cheque I was expecting but years later my wife brought me up to speed on this type of situation and pointed out to me what type of payment this lady had been offering!
How does one deal with VAT in that kind of situation and is there a special coding to allocate this to in MTD ?
In the 1980's (pre self assessment / pre internet) I met with a potential new client, a young actress who had become moderately successful but had four or five (can't remember exactly) outstanding tax returns. I reassured her that we could soon have it all sorted out and have her up-to-date with HMRC. Then, radio silence.
Two or three years later she got in touch again and we went through the same discussion except she now had eight tax returns outstanding. Again, she seemed unable to make a decision to sort it out.
Unbelievably, after a few years she once again got in touch and I seem to recall that it was now something like 12 years outstanding. She was understandably nervous but I again reassured her that we could make an approach to HMRC and negotiate a settlement.
The following year I received a postcard from her. She had emigrated to New Zealand.
I'm not sure whether that was a comedy or a tragedy.
I'm sure I've told this story before but, back in the eighties, I had a client whose enquiry had been escalated to Enquiry Branch. Whilst HMIT had found a bit of stuff that had been omitted from his returns, there was no way this was EB material. The fella was living on a modest three bedroom house in Cutsyke with no indication of where any surplus funds were being spent or squirreled away.
Anyway, we went to this meeting in Leeds, 10.30 kick-off and we had this interrogation which the client was stone-walling and the Inspector became increasingly desperate to save a bit of face and started badgering him, asking questions that had already been answered.
Suddenly the client shouts, "Look - I don't know what you want me to say; just tell me what you want me to say and I'll say it."
There's a couple of seconds of shocked silence and the lead inspector says "Goodness - a quarter past eleven already!! Perhaps we could usefully break for lunch there and reconvene at 1.30 ?"
The 1.30 meeting was over by 1.35 with a very modest settlement agreed.
I had a client years ago who was basically an out and out crook. When he got caught by the authorities, he carried out an almost comical bodged suicide attempt. In a two page spread, the local newspaper gave him almost heroic status, effectively portraying him as a modern day Robin Hood! I couldn't believe what I was reading.
A number of years ago I left working for an accountancy practice having been a partner to that point. On my final day with an hour or so to go, a new client appeared at the door. My friend (who was the remaining partner) asked me if I could deal with the new client, which I thought odd as this was my last day.
Anyway, I stood up to greet her in the usual manner at which point she reached into her bag, took out a music device, pressed Start, then pulled down her trousers. To say this was the most shocked I'd been in an accountancy practice was an understatement.
The can of whipped cream was a little OTT I thought but I learned two things over the next 15 minutes: 1) the "new client meeting" was fake and 2) parts of the young lady were too.
And todays star question is, "Was there any way for the remaining partner to get tax relief for the cost of the young lady, and if so, how?"
For bonus marks- "Consider the correct treatment of the costs of the whipped cream and the false bits within the young lady's own tax return?
Not quite an accounting practice story but, back in the 1990s, I raised an eyebrow when I read in the papers that Sheffield Eagles had made an enquiry about signing the late Jonah Lomu for £1m. To put this in context, £1m would approximate to the club's turnover at that time.
I popped in to see the club's CEO, Gary Hetherington, and asked him if the story was true.
"Yes, perfectly true," he said.
"Have you got a million pounds ?"
"No."
"So are you going to fund it in instalments or what ?"
"No."
"Sponsorship?"
"No."
"So how is this story true ?"
"It's true that we've made an enquiry about signing Jonah Lomu for £1m."
Unsurprisingly, it never happened. But it was great publicity.
I believe it's that keen eye for business that led to his successful career!
Well... that and his many other qualities! All round nice bloke.
I only worked under him for a very short time mind (at the other club, that we won't mention).
I believe it's that keen eye for business that led to his successful career!
Well... that and his many other qualities! All round nice bloke.
I only worked under him for a very short time mind (at the other club, that we won't mention).
Gary has this knack of being able to speak to random strangers as though they've been close friends for years.
We probably know a lot of the same people, DKB.
Many years ago, my firm was exploring outsourcing, it was still in its infancy then, I'd gone out to India to meet the team, all university graduates, all sharp as tacks (tax).
During our testing phase, we received loads of queries, which was understandable and expected.
One question which sticks in my head, related to a pub client. The outsource team were confused, they could see fruit machine income on the sales side, but they could not see any corresponding purchases of fruit on the expenditure side.
So I had to explain how we call gambling machines, fruit machines in the UK and the team were as good as gold after that...but loved the absolutely solid logic and why the question had to be asked.
Like it
They questioned the figures. Logic and overview. If only the online people did that.
As a rural practice half way between Heartbeat Country and Herriot Country we increase the stock of stories at about the rate of two a month.
Legal and professional constraints prevent publication but we have a series of books which we could write.
We are privileged to have known some of the real people behind the two series mentioned.
Well, James Wright managed to make a few bob publishing such stories. I would think your location would give you carte blanche?
Change your name/ client names (and make up a village name whilst you're at it) and you'll be good to go!
I'll even give you a hand with the title... something simple like... 'If only they could count'?
Alf Wight (aka James Herriot) was dealing with animals not bank accounts and you could link 80% of our clients through marriage/affairs/friends/neighbours/other.
Like the working title though. Thanks.
I used to have a new restaurant ltd - a chef and a high-flying know-it-all salesman had teamed up. The modest fit out had been second-hand kit and/or cash jobs, so no VAT. I therefore advised not to register until mandatory, which was grudgingly agreed (salesman “knew about business”). Both directors were drawing £7kpcm from day one, “this restaurant lark is easy, I should’ve done this years ago”. One day they send in - within their usual paperwork junk - an unopened letter from HMRC with a VAT Assessment. Obviously I query it with the salesman, turns out he’d left our meeting and promptly registered himself as “all serious businesses were vat registered”. After all, he “knows about business”. I rework the monthly mgmts and give them their vat liability, as which point they find a new accountant as I’ve misled them and not told them to put any money aside for the vat.
Looked them up a couple of years later - in liquidation.
Lesson: anyone who hasn’t run a business, yet says they “know about business”, probably doesn’t.
Certain types of client do seem to move when they mess it up themselves.
Their egos tend to not permit that forever the accountant will remember that they made a mistake.
Next accountant along pretends to sympathise and believe their story about how it was the other person's fault
Nobody is fooled
Back in the 90's when I had just started my training contract, a client had dropped off his records in a holdall bag which was put with the other client records in the office. A day or so later we could all hear an annoying buzzing sound so we proceeded to walk around the office to find where the noise was coming from.
It was the holdall bag merrily buzzing away. One of the managers opened it and unfortunately it wasn't the client's records but a lovely selection of bedroom toys. He got his bags mixed up. The managers tossed a coin to decide who the lucky person was that had to return the bag and get the actual records. Slightly awkward!
A trainee was compiling Accounts for a sole trader who used to supply Bank Statements with notes written beside each transaction. He came to me & asked what the client did. I replied that he was a motor mechanic. The trainee then asked 'so why does he buy so many Drawings'.
When at the Big 4 explaining to a large Japanese client how the arm's length transfer pricing principle applies they responded by saying: "ah, that all sounds fine, as the Japanese have fairly short arms".
Probably HMRC investigators have the best stories.Before I jumped ship ;I was investigating a local chip shop.My DI told me to go round the local chippies ,buy some chips and weigh them etc.The DI didn’t want me to waste the chips he was paying for,so I was to take a volunteer from the office to eat them.By about the tenth chip shop,you can imagine what state he was in.
No doubt HMRC will be waving the Official Secrets act at me any time soon..
Whilst they say everyone has a book in them, many accountants feel the need to actually write them.
Whilst I would have no interest in ever writing a book on how to be a better accountant or have the perfect practice etc, I would have some good material for a "confessions of an accountant type book"
Could have legs as a potential modern version of The Office.
I suspect David Winder has some corking stories but is wrapped up in client confidentiality.
Many (many, many, many . . .) years ago, I was an audit senior onsite at a fish-processing client doing annual audit. I was working in a tiny upstairs room, main offices downstairs. To get between ther two, I had to pass through the fish-packing room, full of fish-wives keen to goad a young auditor.
Three days in, I needed the private ledger from the chairman. On entering the fish room, the "ladies" decided they had a better right to my trousers, and de-bagged me. "what you going to to now. eh?" they crowed.
well, I walked through the General Office, knocked on the chairman's door, entered, asked for the ledger, and apologised for my appearance explaining the fishwives had wanted my pants. He passed me the ledger without a word and I returned to my office. On entering the fish room, I got a loud cheer as my pants were returned to me.
Point of the story:- following year same Chairman approached me to join the firm as Group Accountant. If I could cope with his women, I'd made the grade!
They took your pants (as well as your trousers)?
That's impressive - unless you were helping them!
We've got b**ls here in Yorkshire and we're not afraid to use them!
Steel ones too I guess, of Yorkshire's finest quality.
Some years ago a very good friend of mine ran a fish and chip takeaway in a seaside town. HMRC (or Inland Revenue as was then) decided to investigate his business and had him in for a meeting. After an hour of two of grilling the inspector then asked him how many covers his business could do.
The answer was "none". The inspector was getting exasperated and asked the question again. My friend stated that his business was purely a takeaway and did not have a seating area although his brother (with a similar name) ran a fish and chip restaurant next door......
Apparently the look of horror on the inspectors face was something to behold!! Enquiry dropped there and then.
There was a memo dated 1 April when we were at PW. It changed the surname of a partner and said that when the client asked to go to the loo you had to ask them how many sheets of loo roll they had used.
This may have been a way of gauging the state of the client so that the more sheets of paper that were used the more worried the client was and thus the more the fee that could be charged.
Many years ago a client told me that he’d taken a customer to a Jam concert and asked if he could claim a tax deduction for the expense.
“No,” I said, “That’s Entertainment”