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Letter from HMRC. Probably not real.

Letter from HMRC. Probably not real.

Didn't find your answer?

 Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.   I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter".    It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".    This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always,  for reasons of accuracy,  traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.    However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers"  might indicate that your decision to  "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies"  is at best a little ill-advised.    In common with my own organisation,  it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".    More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point.   Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay  "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services",  a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party"  yourself.    The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,  whilst colourful,  are,  in fairness,  a little off the mark.     Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"  and  "dancing whores"  whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to,  for example,  "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write  "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that  "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give"  has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,  the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped.   In the meantime,  whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,  I ought to point out that even if you did choose to  "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India "  you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely, 
H J Lee 
Customer Relations 
Inland Revenue

Replies (5)

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By orchardacc
08th May 2011 21:53

SURELY NOT

This is a joke thats been around for years!

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By petersaxton
08th May 2011 22:20

Do a search of Any Answers

The old one's are always the best!

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By cymraeg_draig
08th May 2011 22:29

TAX MAN

  At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the tax man, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

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By frustratedwithhmrc
09th May 2011 09:11

Since we seem to be into jokes this morning...

The Agricultural Wages Board enforcement team were informed that a farmer was not paying the correct hourly rate to one of his workers and an inspector was sent to interview the farmer.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the inspector.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm labourer who's been with me for 3 years".

"I pay him £450 a week plus free room and board".

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £350 per week plus free room and board".

"Then there's the idiot who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here".

"He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night".

"He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the idiot," says the inspector.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

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By ACDWebb
09th May 2011 13:40

This is becoming the AccountingwWeb version

of the "Drummer at the wrong gig" video on another forum I frequent - pops its head over the parapet every few months :)

Comes from an article in the Guardian by Chris Addison - who you may have seen on HIGNFY, "The Thick of It" and recently on DAVE's One Night Stand, and who amongst other things had two classic Radio 4 comedy slot serials (well they always make me laugh) "Civilisation" and "The Ape That Got Lucky"

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