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Suggestions for Improving HMRC Hold Music

Does anyone have any suggestions for improving the HMRC helpline hold music?

Didn't find your answer?

I had occasion to wait on the HMRC SA helpline yesterday and was reminded just how irritating their hold music is. I'm sure Accounting Web members can come up with better alternatives.

My husband suggested the Beatles number: “You never give me your money, you only give me your funny paper”

It seems to refer to their IT system as it continues: “And in the middle of negotiations:YOU BREAK DOWN!”

Then later:“……And in the middle of investigation: I BREAK DOWN!”

What suggestions for hold music do others have? Small changes in the words are allowed to make them more appropriate. And it doesn’t matter how irritating as almost nothing could be more irritating than the current hold music!

Replies (28)

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By SteLacca
10th Jan 2020 13:35

I suggest that they simply answer the phone and deal with the issue so that we never need to hear the hold music.

Thanks (7)
Replying to SteLacca:
Lone Wolf
By Lone_Wolf
10th Jan 2020 14:40

Now you're just being ridiculous.

Thanks (1)
Replying to Lone_Wolf:
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By Justin Bryant
10th Jan 2020 14:49

Who sang that?

Thanks (1)
Replying to SteLacca:
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By Bob Loblaw
10th Jan 2020 15:28

Lost my virginity to that song.

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Replying to SteLacca:
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By Melody
10th Jan 2020 18:21

I agree. And we'd also be able to see those aerial porkers!

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By Paul Kolovski
10th Jan 2020 13:43

The Supremes - "You just keep me hanging on".

Thanks (1)
Stepurhan
By stepurhan
10th Jan 2020 14:48

I did a version of the Steppenwolf classic with new lyrics a few years back.

Calculator running
Totalling invoices
Looking at debentures
And all other finance choices

Yeah darling, gonna make it add up
Put the world in a big spreadsheet
Do all of my sums at once and
Leave it really neat

Some find accounts frightnin’
Leaves them full of wonder
All of these expenses
Just what heading are they under?

Yeah darling, gonna make it add up
Put the world in a big spreadsheet
Do all of my sums at once and
Leave it really neat

All prop-er-ly filed
I was born, born to be mild
Tax returns so sly
I make the taxman cry

Born to be mi-i-i-ild

Born to be mi-i-i-ild

Calculator running
Totalling invoices
Looking at debentures
And all other finance choices

Yeah darling, gonna make it add up
Put the world in a big spreadsheet
Do all of my sums at once and
Leave it really neat

All properly filed
I was born, born to be mild
Tax returns so sly
I make the taxman cry

Born to be mi-i-i-ild

Born to be mi-i-i-ild

Thanks (6)
Replying to stepurhan:
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By Vallery Lee
17th Jan 2020 14:19

Love it

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By kestrepo
10th Jan 2020 15:27

The Clash - I fought the law but the law won?

Thanks (1)
By JPK
10th Jan 2020 15:53

XTC - Dear God

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By Bob Loblaw
10th Jan 2020 16:12

Some happy hardcore. I have to dose myself up before I ring to get through it and I think it'd really enhance the buzz.

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By atleastisoundknowledgable...
10th Jan 2020 16:30

Only Fools & Horses “...no income tax, no VAT, no money back no guarantee...”

Thanks (3)
John Stokdyk, AccountingWEB head of insight
By John Stokdyk
10th Jan 2020 16:59

Hi Melody - thanks for brightening up Friday afternoon.

And thanks again for reminding me of one of our previous stunts - the AccountingWEB "Songs for Self Assessment Season" playlist on Spotify:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6O7l9oIJ7c1WQeqULtPHin

Highlights include "Max from the Income Tax" by Sophie Tucker, "Hanging on the Telephone" (Blondie), "Pocket Calculator" by Kraftwerk and many, many more along the same lines.

So dial that Agent Helpline, put down the handset and enjoy the sounds.... And let us know if any of you get an answer before the 48-song playlist runs out.

Thanks (1)
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By jwgrogan
10th Jan 2020 17:00

Surely the most appropriate song would be the Beatles' " Taxman".

Let me tell you how it will be
There's one for you, nineteen for me
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman
Should five per cent appear too small
Be thankful I don't take it all
'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman
If you drive a car, I'll tax the street
If you try to sit, I'll tax your seat
If you get too cold, I'll tax the heat
If you take a walk, I'll tax your feet etc.

Thanks (0)
Replying to jwgrogan:
John Stokdyk, AccountingWEB head of insight
By John Stokdyk
10th Jan 2020 17:20

It's track 2 on our playlist - but the version by Stevie Ray Vaughan. Don't think the Beatles were on Spotify when we compiled it.

As before, I'll see if we can add in the tunes suggested by Aweb members.

Thanks (0)
Hallerud at Easter
By DJKL
10th Jan 2020 17:42

Maxine Nightingale, "Right Back where we Started From" as you press the number options to eventually get disconnected .

However for high net worth individuals we could maybe instead have "Baby, You're a Rich Man"

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By whitevanman
10th Jan 2020 20:02

I like the idea of Ken Dodd "Tears" (whatever facet of tax causes them).

Thanks (0)
Replying to whitevanman:
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By whitevanman
10th Jan 2020 20:27

Or perhaps Listen to the Music by the Doobie Brothers? Return to Sender? Elvis) Something Better Change? (Stranglers) or for those with a strong stomach (and absolutely no taste) look up "Leave me Alone" by Flipp Dinero (possible some changes to lyrics may be required).

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By vinylnobbynobbs
17th Jan 2020 10:19

I think it has been scientifically designed to make you hang up.

The Funeral March?

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By selbygray
17th Jan 2020 10:36

Lou Reed Perfect Day includes the line you keep me hanging on - Sage used this in the days when they provided the Audit 2000 software!

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By Husbandofstinky
17th Jan 2020 14:00

John Williams 'the imperial march' - Star Wars

coming from a call centre far, far away.....

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By Nigel Hughes
17th Jan 2020 17:43

Fifty ways to please the taxman

Your problem is all inside your head she said to me
The answer is easy if you do it digitally
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be 50 ways to please the taxman

She said I hate to see you blundering in this fog
No one said that tax had to be such a slog
I’d like to break your love affair with analogue
There must be fifty ways to please the taxman
Fifty ways to please the taxman

Just get on the web Fred
Click on your mouse Klaus
Get up in the cloud Howard
Just zap it to me
This is the key, Lee
You don't need double entry
Do it on line Brian
And set yourself free

It's a new day Ray
Just think what you'll save Dave
Take a quick pic Rick
And listen to me
You'll never believe Steve
What you can do if you trust me
Just take a quick snap Jack
And set yourself free

She said paper records are really such a drag
In cardboard boxes or a Tesco carrier bag
I said I appreciate that but don't you think some clients might just gag
On the 50 ways

She said I think you should just leave it all to me
I know very soon, you’ll fall in love with MTD
And then she kissed me and I realised I could charge a quarterly fee
There must be 50 ways to please the taxman

50 ways to please the taxman

Just get on the web Fred
Click on your mouse Klaus
Get up in the cloud Howard
Just zap it to me
This is the key, Lee
You don't need double entry
Do it on line Brian
And set yourself free

It's a new day Ray
Just think what you'll save Dave
Take a quick pic Rick
And listen to me
You'll never believe Steve
What you can do if you trust me
Just take a quick snap Jack
And set yourself free

Thanks (0)
Hallerud at Easter
By DJKL
17th Jan 2020 20:37

How can I be sure
When the law is constantly changing?
How can I be sure
Where I stand with you?

Whenever I
Whenever I lodge a claim with you
My alibi
Is tellin' people my accountant's view
How do I know?
Maybe you're trying to use me
Certainly manage confuse me
Assess me, but don't send me down

Whenever I
Whenever I lodge a claim with you
My alibi
Is tellin' people my accountant's view
Maybe he's now lying to me
There's now some doubt , damn EBT
It's a pity
I can't seem to find someone
Who's as confident now I will win

How can I be sure?
I really, really, really, wanna know
I really, really, really, wanna know
Hey-hey

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

Here's the loan charge
Whether or not I can pay it?
The monies expended and wasted
I never repay, I never repay forever
You know that's what I was told.

How can I be sure
When the law is constantly changing?

Thanks (0)
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By JoF
18th Jan 2020 09:36

Melody maker is back

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By jay negandhi
18th Jan 2020 11:03

Dire Straits: Money for Nothing

Blondie: Hanging on the Telephone

Pink Floyd: Speak to Me

Guns n Roses: Patience

Tom Petty: Waiting

The Carpenters: It’s Going to Take Some Time

Crosby Still Nash & Young: Helplessly Hoping

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By Bryan T
23rd Jan 2020 00:00

Yes, answer the bloody phone HMRC!

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By Red Leader
23rd Jan 2020 12:39

Largo from Beethoven's Eroica Symphony.

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By Nigel Hughes
24th Jan 2020 12:13

Was on the phone to HMRC about an SA return yesterday and the music was different - all space age and synthesisers - Impact of AccountingWeb? Spooky!

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