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Things you'd like to say to a client, but can't

Didn't find your answer?

My one from this morning:

 

"No Mr Smith, you are not the best thing since sliced bread. I have actually put in the work and achieved professional exams, starting my own business, and being happy with my life, unlike you who just seems to talk a lot about achieving things without actually getting up and doing anything. Your life coaching business is a fraud where you rely on cash-rich clients knowing even less than you do. Now pay my invoice and don't come back until next year."

Replies (28)

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RLI
By lionofludesch
10th Oct 2018 13:53

Why would you say "...until next year" ?

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Hallerud at Easter
By DJKL
10th Oct 2018 14:03

"Are you really that stupid or is it an act ?" would be mine.

Thanks (1)
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By andy.partridge
10th Oct 2018 14:05

Sorry to hear that you have Bob Harper as a client. He must be impossible.

Thanks (5)
Replying to andy.partridge:
Red Leader
By Red Leader
10th Oct 2018 14:36

Brings back memories of such happy days on AW.

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By thomas34
10th Oct 2018 14:24

Ah, Bob Harper.

You must admit, we do miss him.

Thanks (1)
Replying to thomas34:
Glenn Martin
By Glenn Martin
10th Oct 2018 15:08

Bobs new medium of choice is Linkedin and he is very active on on it.

When I say active he posts regularly on other popular peoples threads.

He has redefined is value pricing offer though and its even better than before.

When I say redefined he has changed the name of it, when I say better, its actually just the same as the one before which no one bought into either.

He is a miss on AWEB though, he could get a thread up beyond 100 posts in no time.

Thanks (5)
Replying to thomas34:
Stepurhan
By stepurhan
10th Oct 2018 20:54

thomas34 wrote:

Ah, Bob Harper.

You must admit, we do miss him.


Indeed. But my aim is getting better.
Thanks (2)
Red Leader
By Red Leader
10th Oct 2018 14:37

JUST READ MY F******* LETTER!

Thanks (3)
Replying to Red Leader:
By ireallyshouldknowthisbut
10th Oct 2018 15:12

I do a good line in "please find attached the letter I sent you in August, the details are towards the bottom of page 1"

Not sure how well it goes down at the client end.

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Teignmouth
By Paul Scholes
10th Oct 2018 15:27

I always used to imagine lining up all my clients and saying:

"Right then take one step forward if you are a client of my firm....where are you going Smith?!"

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Glenn Martin
By Glenn Martin
10th Oct 2018 15:39

Anyone I meet at networking events who describes themselves as a life coach receives a wide birth from me and I would not take them as a client.

Thanks (1)
Replying to Glennzy:
Red Leader
By Red Leader
10th Oct 2018 15:47

Sorry but the image of anyone receiving a wide birth from you is not a pleasant one!

Thanks (6)
Replying to Red Leader:
Hallerud at Easter
By DJKL
10th Oct 2018 16:30

Well I know what a breech birth is, but a "wide one "(presume a horizontal presentation) is outwith my ken.

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Replying to DJKL:
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By andy.partridge
10th Oct 2018 16:57

I know a wide Bertha.

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Replying to andy.partridge:
Hallerud at Easter
By DJKL
10th Oct 2018 17:01

Do you mean Big Bertha? A partner in a firm I worked in had a desk punch that went by that name, she was brought into service for the big sets of accounts.

Thanks (1)
Replying to andy.partridge:
Stepurhan
By stepurhan
10th Oct 2018 20:57
Thanks (1)
Replying to Red Leader:
Glenn Martin
By Glenn Martin
12th Oct 2018 11:43

You guys.

I also met a woman, who described herself as a "Colourist" which is apperently someone who advises you what colour shirt to wear to be more successful.

I would be staggered if there is a enough work in the whole of the UK to keep one colourist in full time employment for 40 hours per week.

Although someone must be getting paid to advise Mrs May that dancing on the stage was a good idea.

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Stepurhan
By stepurhan
10th Oct 2018 20:58

No. When I said that was the deadline for getting your records in I was not joking.

Thanks (1)
Oaklea
By Chris.Mann
10th Oct 2018 23:08

“You know what I’m like, Chris” said the client, only this afternoon.

“You remind me of my chocolate labrador, I replied.
“Soft as a brush, but ever so thick”!

Thanks (2)
ALISK
By atleastisoundknowledgable...
11th Oct 2018 08:24

“I know this might surprise you, but you’re not my only client”.

“You’re right, as a £150pa client, you’re not my top priority”

“Why the price rise? Inflation, Brexit and you’re what we call a PITA”.

And a couple I was quite proud of myself this week for saying:
“you missed the slot we had for you last week, we’re now doing other people’s work, it’ll be about 6 weeks now” and “Sorry, we’re working on clients who actually pay us” (he’s not paid a monthly bill since Dec, he’s been stop since April for everything - YE, payroll, VAT all late and attracting fines - but keeps getting his wife to ring up for “just a quick question”, to which my standard response is now “ask your husband why I won’t answer your question”.
I’m about to disengage and chase via MCOL., which I’ve done with 3 clients recently which feels great, especially with the one who then emailed to say “sorry I didn’t realise (after about 30 emails and a handful of letters?b0550x), I’ve just done a BACs for the full amount, can I UPGRADE my package with you, here are my card details for the DD”.

Thanks (2)
Stuart Walker Yellow Tomato Copy
By winton50
12th Oct 2018 11:27

No Mr Client, your business is not totally different from everyone elses.

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Red Leader
By Red Leader
12th Oct 2018 11:54

"Did you say it's really easy this year and will only take me 5 minutes? Oh well, in that case, there's no charge, it's free FREE FREE as the birds! You crack me up, you really do. Yes, that's the way computers work, you just press a couple of keys and the job's done."

Thanks (1)
Replying to Red Leader:
Glenn Martin
By Glenn Martin
12th Oct 2018 12:45

Or as clients say up north "there's nowt in it, will take you 5 minutes"

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By CMPACDGDB
12th Oct 2018 12:42

I'd love to end some client interactions with "TTFO"
Where TT stands for "Told to.."
Sadly professionalism precludes :(

Thanks (1)
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By JDBENJAMIN
12th Oct 2018 17:38

1) What part of 'sign page 3 and return to me' did you not understand?

2) When I asked for bank statements, did the expression 'covering the whole year' allow for gaps?

3) I know which accounting records are yours by sense of smell.

4) To think that people like you vote and sit on juries!

Thanks (1)
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By lesley.barnes
13th Oct 2018 10:25

When I ask a straight forward question like what was that cheque for I expect you to look on the cheque stub. Replies such as I don't know or can't you look it up or could it be perhaps xyz. Its not hard a simple answer would save so much time for both of us and help me remain reasonable sane. If I could predict the answer I would have already predicted the winning numbers on the lottery and wouldn't need to do your accounts.

Thanks (3)
Replying to lesley.barnes:
RLI
By lionofludesch
13th Oct 2018 10:34

Reminds me of a conversation I had many years ago with a client.

"What's this payment for ? The cheque stub is blank."

"Let me have a look." (Turns cheque stub round and examines it from all angles.)

"Wey, it'll be for summat."

Drawings, then.

Thanks (5)
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By bendybod
22nd Oct 2018 17:01

Just because every other person you know with a similar business pays less tax than you, doesn't mean it's legal to.

How is someone like you let loose with a business.

As soon as my suit / lunch / physio / contact lens expenditure is allowable, I'll allow yours.

Thanks (0)
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