So anyway underlings. I know I have been quiet for a while, but I was busy.
I thought an update from me, to make all you little people realise the extent of your unimportance, was well overdue.
Anyway, my friend Luce (think JoLum off of AbFab, and you will not be wide of the mark) has gotten herself into this thing called Luce-id dreaming - I say gotten into; it seems possible that she invented it, given that it seems to have been named after her - and has been on at me to give it a go.
Well, to be honest, I initially thought it was just a whole load of hocus pocus. Still, being a great lover of gin-based cocktails, I thought it deserved a bit of exploration.
Apparently the idea is that you start off by trying to remember your dreams - waking up in the middle of the night and making notes where necessary - with a view in the longer term of being able to actually take control of your dreams while you are dreaming them. "Then you can just go right ahead and give yourself the biggest doses of NLP and CBT imagineable", apparently, which sounds like fun.
So I had my first little foray into Luce-id dreaming the other day. Weird as FCUK, I can tell you.
There I was parking the Bentley outside this awful shopping "mall" (I hate that word, although it least it is better than the "center" alternative). I mean this place was absolutely frigging huge and painted the most gawdy orange, with huge white lettering in some prehistoric font, these awful flashing billboards all over the place. It was like an epileptic fit just waiting to happen.
Uggh, and those hideous orange "thumps up" signs everywhere.
On the way in I did take the opportunity to thank myself but I knew I was not going to be thanking anyone else.
And then it started. A bunch of complete idiots - one after another - coming up to me and asking me the most basic (and quite frankly truly moronic questions). Some of the nutters were even trying, with little success, to disguise their appearance. I started pointing most of them in the direction of their nearest Gorm stockist.
And then it happened! I took control of this dream. I dreamt up a "gun store" (I must have been sticking to the general "theme") and went in. I purchased a pump action shot gun, with an unilimited supply of ammunition (you can do that in Luce-id dreams!).
Zombie Apocalypse eat your heart out! Portia's in der house! Boom!
One moron after another. Boom! Boom!
And then came an absolute plethora of cretins that still do not understand the difference between a "worker" and an "employee". Boom! Boom!
Seriously, this Luce-id dreaming stuff was just the best fun ever!
Until the little Brrrring! Brrrring! noise signifying that it was time for Monday morning's Port breakfast.
I am definitely planning a trip back to the hideous orange "mall" though.
About Portia Nina Levin
Warning: May make stuff up.